penumbrasoul: (kieren walker)
I'm not the most confident human being, and then again who really is? Even behind a person's shining allure of beautiful confidence there is a small hesitance. I've had my share of insecurities and unfortunately that has held me back from a little happiness here and there. I'm not a daredevil of any sorts but there are instances which I regret not taking action.

I hide behind my words and yet even between writing fanfiction and grasping ideas I find myself questioning if what I craft from my mind is even good enough to post online. Silly thoughts, but I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking this even if by miracle my writing turns out to be well received. I do it because it makes me happy.

There are moments in my life where I find myself thinking about my image and those horrible insecurities push through at full force. Then there are moments where I don't realize it until it is brought on by a certain event or encounter. Usually it's the second one.

-
I was reduced to a blushing mess and I didn't even realize it until I felt my sweaty palms rub against the box I held in my hands. It didn't help that the guy whom had helped me pick out the laptop in the first place was attractive in a dorky way. Usually people wouldn't find this type of person beautiful to society's ridiculously high standards but it was enough for me. He held a certain spark, the way a person finds charm at instant encounter.

It may have been his gentle brown eyes, unruly brown hair, or his welcoming smile but I was captured. It wasn't love at first sight, goodness no, I barley had a short encounter with the man. Maybe it was the lack of my relationships I held in record; a whooping zero. Or the attention he gave me, making it seem as if I was the only one he was talking to when my family was standing not too far off in the conversation we held. I could be imagining it all, since he was an employee and it was his job to give unconditional attention to anyone roaming into Best Buy to buy whatever piece of technology displayed there.

Our encounter meant nothing, and yet I muse upon it. Recalling how I first paused briefly to study the stranger, and Best Buy employee, once he approached to ask if I needed help makes me fight between smiling and sighing. My mind reeled in slowly as the man's attractiveness increased with each new insinuated continuation of our conversation. The way the light briefly caught full swing in his eyes at the mention of how a particular area of History studies were the best to him. He briefly seemed honestly interested in what I wanted to study in college and his brief stories of his own experiences linked to the specific laptop I was buying is where the smile wins out.

I'm not sure if he was flirting with me or not; it could all be in my head and sad hope. The urge to sigh takes over at this point. He may just be an overly nice person. I couldn't even hold eye contact as much since my nerves won over each time he looked my way. He must have thought I was odd.

I'm sure if it had been in another situation more desired we could have dug in further to explore what could possibly have been; friendship or maybe more, but then again it would be my delusional side taking over on this one.

It says a lot when it takes a stranger I had briefly fancied to shake me into a slight peak of me being flustered and musing over one encounter. An encounter which would be classified as nothing but the relationship of an employee and their costumer. I'm too insecure.

Part of me is glad I would not ever see this fellow again, and another part of me experiences a slight disappointment. Most of me is glad since it would have turned into another one-sided failed crush. I seem to be good at those.

I don't even know where I was going with this thought anymore.

He really had been my type.

When I bought my apple laptop and I caught sight of his tag, finally getting a name, I took an invisible bath of pure longing. I walked over, shyly casting a small smile in his direction to take in his features once more before stepping away to never see him again. I don't like "what could have been" moments; they only prove to be daunting and nothing else.

I wonder if I could ever find someone like this man once again, and if so would it turn out to form into something wonderful? I doubt it, but I still dare to foolishly hope.

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penumbrasoul

August 2014

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